Definition
Friendship is a topic requiring a
working definition which I propose as follows:
As a noun: One whose shared interests underpins a deep
affection, trust and rapport independent of sexual or family love.
As a verb: welcoming, accepting, empathetic, kindly and
being loyal.
Ideas on how friendships may have first
formed
According to many evolutionary
biologists friendship may have developed as necessary enhancement to survival.
Even in the upper echelons of the animal Kingdom we notice a form of
friendship and deep affection amongst social animals.
For instance a pride of lions
rely on trust as successful hunters (involving skilful and strategic
teamwork) of very large animals inclusive of elephants - continually
reinforced given the obvious tell-tale signs of fondness we witness within the
hierarchy of the pride.
Friends and Happiness
In a publication entitled “Friends and
Happiness: An Evolutionary Perspective on Friendship” the authors David M G
Lewis of Murdoch University, Leith Al Sheaf of the University of
Colorado, Eric M Russell of the University of Texas and David M Buss even
talk about the development of reciprocal altruism as an evolutionary long
term survival advantage.
The authors suggest our evolutionary
journey was reliant on hunting or scavenging large animals (to obtain the
necessary protein to underpin larger brains) that required a collaborative
effort based on trusted friends within the tribal structure.
“Who are we? Where did we come from?”
Likewise Dr.Hugo Zeberg of the
Karolinska Institutet in Sweden reports on new technologies, research and
collaborations to begin to answer the question: “Who are we? Where did we come
from?”
The answer is we have far more in
common with our extinct or ancient cousins than we ever thought.
Scientists hypothesize that the idea of
sticking together and adding friendly support became integral to
our survival represented in those genes that make up our present
footprint.
Blood Brothers
Noting past societies had
traditions of close, loving, male friendships — sometimes called “blood
brothers”. Blood brotherhoods are common among hunter-gatherer societies
and early warrior societies, often involving an exchange of blood or
vows. Among the Akwe-Shavante, indigenous people of western Brazil, parents
encourage their sons to develop one or two close friends, their i-amo (“my
other” or “my partner”), who become their companion for life.
Evolutionary traits arising from the
great migrations
The attributes we associate with
friends continue to define someone who will be supportive and trustworthy. Such
traits were particularly important during the great migratory journeys, for
tribespeople to rely on those bonds to find their way through violent climatic
upheavals. So that an affinity with nature and reliance on skills and
social interaction leading to deep affection and dependence became an
existential reality.
Those challenges shaped that need for
deep relationships and with nature.
Friendships of First Nations People and
the kinship system
Women’s friendships were forged
principally as carers, food gatherers, storytellers and in ensuring
socialisation within the mob or clan. On the other hand young men
reaching maturity received tutoring in the law and their responsibilities.
But the concept of friendship was much
wider than European ideas. Within each nation (there were approximately 500 pre
colonisation with their own language) there were complex laws and customs
governed aspects of their existence. Therein that gave expression to deep
feelings of affection for not only the land but across the nation.
This was achieved by virtue of the
concept of “Moëty"where one is born either as a hunter-gatherer (on
one side of the "Moety" ) or as a conservationist charged with
ecological responsibility on the other. Their respective responsibilities were
defined by predetermined “Totems". Within that nation all peoples in
the clans and mobs are regarded as close friends where they were born on your
side of the Moëty you belong to.
So, to reiterate, wherever you
travelled within a nation (defined by landmark boundaries) all those within
your side of the Moëty must show hospitality and friendship.
The complex nature of how this works
dates back to the
Creation stories, embedded in the Dreamtime, ensuring everything can
be seen as two halves, inclusive of yourself and your
environment.
Accordingly, pre
colonization, the Moëty system existed
across Australia where there is a section or subsection system with
four to eight ‘skin names’. Individuals gain ‘skin names’ upon birth
based on the skin names of his or her parents, to indicate the
section/subsection that he/she belongs to. The children must not
marry into that side of the Moiety, regarded as their extended family, but
alternate with each generation.
Totems
as predetermined existential responsibilities
The foundation of the kinship
system is the totems where each person has at least four: one
personal, family, clan and nation totem. The Totems provide a link to
the physical universe: to land, water, geographical features, and animals.
The family, clan and nation totems are pre-ordained but an
additional individual totem is decided by tribal elders to recognize
personal strengths.They convey your clan’s responsibility and the
landmarks and rights within those designated areas.
For instance if
Emu was a designated Totem, then one side of the Moëty in the clan would have expertise in hunting
for that animal whilst one born on the opposite side as a
conservationist ensures eggs are not taken to preserve sustainability. They
would know everything about its life cycle and habitat.
Individuals then are accountable
for their totems and are to ensure these totems are protected and
passed on to future generations. This then invokes a friendship to the
earth and its landmarks believed to be bequeathed by the creative
spirits.
Skin
Names explained
The 3rd level
of the kinship system are skin names. They define the relationship
of one another and their obligations to one
another. An individual doesn't have the same skin name as their
parent's, husband and wife. Rather It is a sequential system based on the
mother’s name (in a matrilineal system), or the father’s name (in a patrilineal
system), and has either a four cycle or 8 cycle naming cycle.
To reiterate, on
each side of the "Moety" the children who marry must marry into the
opposite side until such time as the cycle is complete. The naming cycle then
repeats.
It is not hard to
understand why the early anthropologists had no idea what it meant and how it
subsequently became compromised with the decimation of the clans and nations.
An Aristolean perspective
In Ancient Greece
his idea for friendships was those relationships which were forged by
people who like each other, do good for one another, and share their
aspirations during that time together.
He identifies three kinds of
friendships: one of utility, one of pleasure and finally one he called the
perfect friendship. In the first type of utility, the relationship is based on
the good as one to another, in the second type it is contingent on mutual
pleasure arising from shared activities.
Friendship as a motivation to do good
works
Friendship contains elements of the
abovementioned given we share pleasing tasks which might mean our love for
dogs, for example underpins friendships involving shared activities such as
walks and discussions. When a friend becomes overwhelmed then we may routinely
prepare meals or act as a temporary carer and so forth.
Shared values
Their perfect type of friendship
according to Aristotle involves one forged when those friends are good
and alike in virtue; for each alike wishes well to each other… they are good in
themselves” ,
But the reality mostly is it is a
mixture of things and it is hard to imagine a close friend relationship to
develop without a common interest where some value is perceived in respect of
the relationship,
Symbolism and the wider community
In many Asian countries for instance
there is the annual celebration of Friendship Day with the custom of exchanging
gifts, cards or flowers.
Friendship Day was first proposed in
Paraguay in 1958 which became the catalyst of the idea of a Global Friendship
Day.
Ever since the 30 July has been
fervently celebrated as Friendship Day in Paraguay every year and has also been
adopted by several other countries.
The World Friendship Crusade has
lobbied the United Nations for several years to recognize 30 July as World
Friendship Day; finally, in 2011, the General Assembly of the United Nations
decided to designate 30 July as the International Day of Friendship and
proceeded to invite all the Member States to observe the International Day of
Friendship as per the culture and customs of their local, national and regional
communities, including through education and
public awareness-raising activities.
Friendship is regarded as the important
gateway that builds bonds and develops camaraderie and trust between all
cultures as we are mostly social people.
From a global perspective the simple
action of building friendships is seen as the shift that is urgently needed in
society to achieve lasting peace. The UN and UNESCO believe this would put an
end to division, poverty, violence, and human rights abuses.
In a more personal level the giving of
friendship bracelets is a popular practice as a token of affection which can be
traced back to ancient China. Similarly the role of close friendships is
evident in the biblical stories, in novels, poetry, images and in the lyrics of
the popular songs such as “That’s what friends are for” – “in good times,
bad times I’ll be on your side forever more”.
Better health and well-being
linked to friendship
According to By Michael R. Kauth, Ph.D., professor, Menninger Department of
Psychiatry and Behavioural Sciences at Baylor College of Medicine the concept
of friends evolved because having a close friend improved one’s
chances of survival and the survival of one’s children.
That coincides with the idea we make
friends as most people don’t want to feel alone, but seek validation and
companionship just as they did face the perils of life so long ago. But feeling
lonely doesn’t apply to some people able to substitute activities with a love
of nature whose interactions might more aptly be described as only having
acquaintances.
But for the most part, according
to a study of 323,000 people across 99 countries referenced by Kauth,
friendship was linked to better health, greater happiness, and a higher level
of well-being. If close, loving friendships are an adaptive trait that evolved
among early humans, we should expect that close friendships are common and
valued across cultures.
Modern day Friendships
In modernity we are left with the
remnants of our evolutionary traits despite mostly being far removed from the
affinity with the land and the battle against the elements of our ancestors.
What seems to form the basis of friendships today is shared activities and
interests. Nothing could be more important than world peace where
shared friendships whether tentatively based on trust or not seem to be the
best way forward.
Tim Delaney and Anastasia
Malakova in an article in Philosophy Now categorize and analyse the
different kinds of modern-day friendships.
The authors indicate that friendships
are forged for safety, survival, social inclusion and to maintain a sense of
identity.
Sociologist Peter Belau (1918-2002)
suggested we employ a ranking system in forming friends motivated by a
perceived reward in enhancing social approvals and sending shared
outlooks.
What also occurs is that
those initial strong friendships can equally drift apart for any number of
reasons?
The bonds in modernity seem much more
complex to be divided into many subcategories: attached principally driven by
feelings of affection or personal regard; those who provide assistance and
support to one another; those who are on good terms with one another because
they share certain attributes, such as religious and cultural affiliations;
those who share a common interest such as music or favourite sports team; or,
by those who participate in certain social activities, such as travelling or
bush walking or hiking.
Conclusion and suggested Q&A
discussion points
Clearly, the modern era has introduced
many new forms of friendship that couldn't have been dreamed of by our
ancestors. But the question is are those first traits that were necessary
for survival still applicable today? – I think they are in this age of the
human- the Anthropocene”! : The period during which human activity has
been the dominant influence on climate and the environment.
Q&A- discussions
Let’s be friends, or at least friendly.
Is that possible or worthwhile? Can you
live a solitary existence and be happy?
There is no question from my
perspective it is not only possible to be friendly but friendships were
instrumental in our survival just as underpins social animals. From First
Nations People we can understand how it was for all peoples in the clans and
mobs to be regarded as close friends on the basis of their birth on one side of
the Moëty.
That ensured anywhere in a nation
(defined by landmark boundaries) you could call on a friend to be of help when
that person was on your side of the Moëty. That was the concept of the enlarged
friendship group akin as if part of your family even though you may never have
met.
Friendship is regarded as the important
gateway that builds bonds and develops camaraderie and trust between all
cultures as we are mostly social people.
From a global perspective the simple
action of building friendships is seen as the shift that is urgently needed in
society to achieve lasting peace. The UN and UNESCO believe this would put an
end to division, poverty, violence, and human rights abuses.
To reiterate Friendship is also linked
to better health, greater happiness, and a higher level of well-being. If
close, loving friendships are an adaptive trait that evolved among early
humans, as I believe is the case, then we should expect that close friendships
are common and valued across all cultures.
Can you live a solitary existence and
be happy?
One doubts it is possible or even
practical to live a solitary life but one can accept some individuals will form
an affinity with nature or a particular passion where any necessary
interactions are more in the form of acquaintances.
Mental impairment may also negate that
social norm to the extent deep relationships are not possible.
Can you be friends with a pet? A piece
of software mimicking a human entity or even a virtual pet? Is social media the
answer to friendship (as was the case for pen-pals long ago in my childhood
days )?
Pets can act as friends, but it is not
possible in my view for us to invent machines as real comforters other than
what already exists in calming music, animal contact and the various media
applications that can be continually improved.
Does gender play a role or stage in
life?
The female friendships tend to be more
empathetic and socialistic whilst male bonding is usually later on with bonding
to support activities, but today the roles are becoming blurred.
Is friendship the other side (opposite)
of loneliness?
That coincides with the idea as to why
we make friends as most people don’t want to feel alone, but seek validation
and companionship just as they did face the perils of life so long ago. But
feeling lonely doesn’t apply to some people able to substitute activities with
a love of nature whose interactions might more aptly be described as only
having acquaintances. Friendship is not necessarily the other side (opposite)
of loneliness. There is a difference between being lonely and craving
companionship as distinct to being happy in your own skin so to speak. That may
allow someone to be happy in the absence of close friends.
Is friendship an end in itself, a
positive good for not just wellbeing, but personal development and growth?
Their perfect type of friendship
according to Aristotle involves one forged when those friends are good and
alike in virtue; for each alike wishes well to each other… they are good in
themselves” ,
But the reality in my view is that
mostly it is a mixture of things and it is hard to imagine a close friend
relationship to develop without a common interest where some value is perceived
in respect of the relationship.
What is it that makes for a good
friendship? A big question, not easily answered.
In a nutshell in my view one where
shared interests allow for a deep affection, trust and rapport, knowing one can
always agree to disagree in providing an honest answer and one who can be
relied upon in times of need.
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